she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
