shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
