that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
