just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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