Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
