How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
false alarm. still invincible.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
