addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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