my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Randomize
