you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
