I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You can't special order awesome
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You ate ashes out of my bong
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
