why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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