so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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