I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
