My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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