Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
