Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
