White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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