I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
