My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
