I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
