I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I'm too high and old for this...
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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