After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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