It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
