My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
