my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
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