Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just gargled with NyQuil
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
