some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
