It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Randomize
