So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
