I think I can smell my own vagina right now
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
