Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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