All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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