and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
So I just went to clothing optional bar
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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