Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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