just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
