New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
