I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
