You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
