yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
This is my gift to your gina
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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