well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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