What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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