we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance