Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
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my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
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Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.