i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Found the puke drawer
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
