I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
It's shark week go big or go home
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
