I'm drive I can fine osifer
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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