I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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