My friends, they love my intelligence
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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