My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
and you fell through a lawn chair
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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