All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Ladies don't puke and tell
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
