i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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