I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
