Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Randomize
