Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
