our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
