her vagina looked like bernie madoff
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
