I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
