but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
