Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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